Is Jennifer Garner pregnant?! What happened between announcing divorce to a new baby on the way?
The Ben and Jen saga rings true for many of us. Initially, everyone warned sweet Jennifer against notorious bad-boy Ben Affleck. He partied, gambled, and loved the ladies while Jen was more of the down-to-earth type, beautiful, hard working, and extremely attracted to something new!
The old saying “opposites attract” is annoying but stems from truth. We are attracted to people who have qualities that don’t come naturally to us. They bring a potential “complimentary” aspect to your life that balances the package. The rigid planner just swoons for the spontaneous adventurer. The hippie who never showers is enamored by how much this Type-A can get things done! This looks very different from couple to couple – sometimes you see two TOTALLY different Dharma and Greg types who fall madly in love. Other times, the differences are hardly distinguishable.
This is absolutely Ben and Jen’s biggest issue. I’m sure Jen LOVED Ben’s spontaneity and charm and Ben adores Jen’s work ethic and ability to prioritize what really matters in life.
In dating – we melt for these differences. Ooing and Aahing all the day long. BUT – we soon learn that EVERY strength carries it’s own demons.
While Jen loves Ben’s spunk and fun-loving nature, she probably hates not being able to count on him when it comes to their children and home life. Ben admires Jen’s loyalty and reliability, but he probably hates the controlled environment she creates in their home.
What happens when the differences we once loved begin to EAT AT OUR VERY SOUL?! We polarize. The rigid become more rigid and the spontaneous become more spontaneous thinking that this will pull our wayward spouse out from the dark side. We cling to what we believe is the best way to do life with deadlier grips as a way to prove our life choices – and then chaos for the couple ensues. NO ONE IS GONNA TELL ME HOW TO DO ME!!!
For Ben, this meant more time away from home, throwing himself into work, gambling, drinking, partying, and probably a couple of new lady-friends.
For Jen, this meant a better ordered home life. A home life that was measured, predictable, and left very little room for the antics of an unknown father figure. I sense Jen’s maternal instincts kicked into high gear and she was prepared to survive no matter what outside force threatened her nest.
What is the answer to this mess?! You need a tool that brings back the complimentary, not the adversarial spirit to the differences. In the Marriage Boot Camp, we call this tool L-U-V: Listen – Understand – Validate.
Listen: Ben and Jen need to have a good sit-down and talk honestly about their differing viewpoints. They should focus mostly on using “I feel” statements which will keep the focus of the conversation on connecting and understanding versus arguing about who’s perspective is the right one (hint: there is no right one). The biggest challenge with listening is that you have to put you own feelings, opinions and thoughts on hold for the moment. If you are sitting across from your mate loading your gun for a witty comeback, you’re NOT LISTENING!
Understand: Ben and Jen need to understand what the other feels outside of their own bias. They also need to believe that they in turn have been heard and understood. The Marriage Boot Camp uses a tool called “mirroring” where you simply repeat back what you just heard from your mate. You would say, “What I heard you say is …” and don’t make the mistake of saying what they should be saying.
Validate: WARNING – this does not mean you agree with the person. It does mean that you communicate that you DON’T THINK THEY ARE CRAZY! When you validate, you are saying, “I understand why you would feel that way” even if you (silently) take umbrage with their position. Here’s what it might look like: “Jen, I get that my free wheeling ways make you feel unsafe. With two kids, who wouldn’t”! “Ben, it makes sense that you would feel confined and controlled by my domestic engineering of our life together. This is a big change for you”.
Now that you have LUV’d each other, the stage is set for negotiating. Talk about what you would ideally like to see happen from a purely selfish point of view, and then mirror each other. Next, share what you’d be willing to settle for and make sure to mirror. The Marriage Boot Camp has found that two creative minds with a desire to work things out can almost always find a way.
A baby on the way surely means that Ben and Jen still love each other deeply and romantically but they have polarized in their viewpoints, making life unlivable. If they could validate the others’ experience and learn to appreciate the complementarity of their differences, they would grow both as individuals and as a couple.