The marriage of Jenni Farley and Roger Matthews has finally taken place and surprise! Another baby Matthews is on the way! Good work you two :) Much ado has been made of all the preparations; the dresses (gorgeous), the cake (amazing), the pomp and circumstance (naturally), and all of her Jersey Shore cast mates (party time). What you didn’t see on the road to the wedding, was all the deep work put into Jenni and Roger’s relationship.
Jenni and Roger came into the Marriage Boot Camp House with a classic circular conflict. Roger was angry and bitter towards Jenni because he had caught her hiding things from him, which to him was lying. Roger’s anger manifested in accusations and mistrust. Jenni reacted to Roger’s temper by hiding even more. The more Jenni hides, the angrier Roger gets. The angrier Roger gets, the more Jenni hides. And around and around we go.
In addition to the conflict cycle, there was collateral damage to the relationship. Jenni’s fear of Roger’s anger caused her to shutdown emotionally and this affected her sexually. Once you shutdown one part of you, you end up shutting down a lot of parts. In reaction to Jenni’s sexual shutdown, Roger was left feeling rejected; hurt, and sexually frustrated, which caused him to lash out more regularly. When Roger lashed out Jenny would patronize him, lie, or apologize – which only further infuriated Roger.
After getting them to stop focusing on the collateral damage, we found that Roger was focusing on Jenni’s lying and Jenni was focusing on Roger’s anger. Each believed that if they can get the other to admit to and stop their behavior the problem would be solved. Unfortunately, the gridlock created by the finger pointing was getting them nowhere. Our job was to slow down the merry-go-round long enough for Jenni and Roger to understand their conflict in a way that made room for a deeper understanding of the merry-go-round.
The first thing we had to do was help Jenni and Roger understand the pattern and stop the blaming. In a circular conflict there is no beginning, there is no end, and therefore there is no one to blame. The only option in this type of conflict is for each partner to recognize the pattern and then focus on how the pattern made him or her feel. They had to start looking inward instead of outward.
“Roger, how does it make you feel when you think Jenni is lying to you”?
“It makes me furious, but deep down it really scares the hell out of me to think that I’m with a woman that I don’t even know. A really important person in my life one day said I’m leaving. Just like that. I never want to be blindsided like that again so I stay on top of the evidence”.
“Jenni how do you feel when Roger loses his temper at you?
“It terrifies me! I’ve had men in my life who were physically abusive to me and so I dance around trying to avoid that at all cost!”
Once Jenni and Roger understood the deep roots of pain in the cycle, it replaced the contempt with empathy towards the other.
In every circular conflict I have ever seen the pattern looks like this:
-Someone gets hurt and rather than communicating their feelings they act out the hurt. In this case, Jenni’s fear caused her to hide and Roger’s fear caused him to blow up.
-One’s partner’s action causes the other partner’s reaction, which creates more of the initial action. In this case, Jenni’s hiding inspires Roger’s blow up, Roger’s blow up caused more of Jenni’s hiding, and around and around.
The solution requires the following steps:
Identify the current cycle
Identify the FEELINGS within the cycle
Understand the deeper wound (usually from a young age) and develop empathy for their partner’s feelings.
React with empathy instead of getting triggered into the cycle.
Jenni and Roger did the deep work. They learned each other’s pain points and were eager to sacrifice for the other. Beneath the conflict was a true desire to remain connected at all costs – a key trait necessary to break the circular conflict. It’s much easier on the ego to continue blaming the other, but it won’t make for a lasting relationship. Jenni and Roger – we’ve LOVED seeing your relationship progress and being a part of your story. Big kudos to the emotional health both of you sought.
Now another circularity is created but it is a positive cycle. The more we share our vulnerable feelings, the more our partner wants to care for us. The more we experience our partner’s concern for us, the more open and loving we become. It takes a sometimes scary strength to persist in sharing our feelings rather than getting triggered – but oh is it worth it! And around and around we go, but this time in a good way.