Benzino and Thi Thi – probably the most talked about couple in the tweet-o-sphere. Their hot and cold tempers keep us on our toes but still, nothing the Marriage Boot Camp team hasn’t seen before.
Although more fiery than most, Benzino and Althea have a very common issue to work through: differentiating from their families of origin. This means making unfamiliar (non-family) choices in the heat of battle. We all must do this work because our parents are not perfect and in part screwed us all up (even the Carrolls :] )
Benzino’s story is one of chaos to which he responded with aggression. Constantly fending for his life in a gang-infested neighborhood, Benzino learned that toughness and intimidation equals survival and provision. Despite his difficult background, Benzino created quite a life for himself running multiple businesses, rapping and producing hip-hop, and developing a following in reality television. It has not been easy. Benzino has had to fight both for his own life and stand by as friends and family were murdered.
Althea’s story is one of survival, she responded by escaping. Her parents separated when she was very young and she grew up in an apartment above the jazz club where her mom would sing nightly. While she developed a beautiful singing voice, she also learned at a young age that she alone would take care of herself. She moved out with a boyfriend at age 15 and has been on her own since. This made her very self sufficient and resourceful which helped her to become a successful businesswoman.
Althea has normalized a certain level of instability, which makes Benzino’s blow ups more acceptable to her. That has been her life – surviving in the mess. Althea struggles to let her guard down and trust – she is quick to turn on Benzino and slow to forgive his lash-outs. In order to survive emotionally, Althea built sturdy walls to keep the storms of life at bay and now the walls that helped her survive are killing her.
Many tweeters gave Althea crap for saying, “I’m independent but I really don’t want to be independent”. She IS NOT saying she doesn’t want to be the #girlboss that she is – she is saying she struggles to trust and would love to find a man she feels safe to lean on. WE ARE NOT ISLANDS PEOPLE! The goal for any relationship is healthy interdependence.
Benzino and Althea’s buttons push right up on each other. His aggression causes her to escape; her escape increases his aggression. We call this a circular conflict, where one person reacts angrily to a breech in the relationship which triggers a counter-reaction to the first reaction which then causes yet another counter-reaction to the counter-reaction. Whew.
Like dominos, the chain gets so far removed from the first insult that it takes quite a bit of work to unravel. In a circular conflict there is no beginning, there is no end, and therefore there is no one to blame. This conflict can stop at anytime by anyone but for illustration; let’s say that Benzino says something mean to Althea, like calling her “Ho-thea”. Althea reacts to the hurt by becoming cold and belligerent and tells Benzino that he is a jerk (actual language is generally much stronger). Benzino then reacts to Althea’s “tone”. Althea then defends her “tone” and now the fight is about “tone”, whatever that means. The only option in this type of conflict is for each partner to recognize the pattern and then focus on how the pattern made him or her feel. They have to start looking inward instead of outward, which requires this racing train to SLOW DOWN. Here’s what this might look like if done really well.
Benzino – “Althea your ass is showing, maybe we should call you “Ho-thea”.”
Althea – “Benzino that hurts. I feel put down right now and I dress as much for you as for me.”
You can hear the screeching brakes on this fight after Althea’s response. But let’s say that Althea doesn’t respond in such a diplomatic way.
Althea – “Benzino, just shut your mouth, you’re an ass.”
Benzino – “Wow, I see that I’ve hurt you with my insensitive comment. So sorry sweetie, please forgive me.”
Listen for the screeching brakes on this fight. So you see that there is no bad guy, no good guy, no victims, just a couple doing their level best to stop stepping on each other’s toes in the dance of love. This requires a fully confident understanding that we are all jerks at times and that we cannot completely stop being stupid. We can only bring compassion, grace and forgiveness to the field when it is called for.
The beauty is that Benzino and Althea are pressured to grow in their toughest spots. The reality is that when most couples find themselves here, they’d rather leave than work through the heartache. With baby Zino in the picture – these two have even more reason to make it work.