The Marriage Boot Camp is fabulously unconventional and this week’s communication drills were just that. Between more cheating confessions from Sugar Bear and a little domestic abuse between Thi Thi and Zino – it’s amazing we even had time for the drills. But we did and the drills spoke volumes.
At Marriage Boot Camp we get to the deeper issues by watching people in action – lip service not allowed. By having the couples team up to accomplish a frustrating task (assembling furniture…ughhhh) and having very different, but complementary roles we get to see where the cracks in the dam are and boy did we see some flooding!
Sundy and Cedric clearly haven’t worked out a system of working together.
Ink and Sarah had a system that worked quite well driven primarily by Sarah’s infectious “can-do” attitude.
Mama June and Sugar Bear melted down under the pressure and Sugar Bear became a verbally abusive mess while Mama June begged him just to talk to her.
Benzino and Althea were similar to Sundy and Cedric in that they don’t have a system of working together as a couple. Then you have Althea’s bad attitude, which is not uncommon for a pregnant woman. At least Benzino seemed to, relatively speaking, keep his cool.
Then there is our Bachelor couple, Sean and Catherine. They are your all-American boy/girl next-door type that we have on every season. Our audience often criticizes their presence saying they have “no problems – why are they there?” Still, every season we uncover much more than anyone thought existed. Sean and Catherine accomplished the task fairly well and made good time, however, they exhibited what psychologists call “parallel play” where young children are seen playing side by side but not interacting. Good for children, bad for adults. Their individual competence kept them in the game (like the Cowboy’s Tony Romo, sorry we Texan’s can’t help it!), but their interactive communication left much to be desired.
Sean comes from a good, solid background – his story of origin is a blessed one and he hasn’t had much trauma to work through. In the world of “ABC” (Action-Belief-Consequence) Sean appears to navigate with an “all is well so don’t focus on the negative” belief system that stifles communication and leaves Catherine feeling invisible. He has not had to voice the language of anguish or emotion much so he just isn’t very fluent. Like the pruning of a branch that enhances strength and complexity, the lack of pruning, ironically leaves the branch in an underdeveloped state. This would explain Sean’s underdeveloped emotional communication.
Catherine, on the other hand, was forced to grow up very quickly among divorce, mental illness, and assimilating a Filipino background with her American surroundings. Oh right, and she’s a woman.
Their communication issues are primarily a function of the differences between men and women, but there’s more. What’s interesting is that we find that many men who’ve been through trauma often connect more easily with their feeling state than men who’ve been consistently affirmed in their decisions and life choices.
Sean’s been relatively successful in his life, and changing his speaking or listening patterns is not something he’s been forced to do. Enter Catherine. She speaks WOMAN and Sean might have to re-think the way he’s always done things :)
Catherine’s heartache is not being heard, and after feeling unheard for some amount of time – “Wrath-erine” arrives to make SURE she’s heard. This is a pretty common response for the unheard woman.
Mirroring is the Marriage Boot Camp tool that revolutionizes communication. Learning to listen while putting your own thoughts, feelings and opinions on hold for a moment is extremely hard work. You have to slow down and learn to repeat your mate’s words back to them which makes them feel heard and understood instantly. “What I heard you say…” is one of our most powerful tools. Imagine what would’ve happened in the “IKEA” drill if the couples had simply slowed down and mirrored before taking action.
Fortunately, Sean is committed to Catherine and committed to understanding and hearing her better. The work for Catherine is to express her vulnerable state of feeling, whether hurt, scared, ignored or abandoned, rather than lashing out at Sean in times of frustration or worse, shutting down and pretending to be “fine”. It’s amazing how a vulnerable confession of feelings can stop an argument in its tracks.
The deeper work for Catherine is to realize that the way she reacts may harken back to an earlier “hot button”. Was she free to express her pain and fear in a safe place with people who loved her and valued her feelings? Was throwing a tantrum the only way to be heard? These are questions that Catherine will have to answer and then to connect the dots on how her past is showing up in her present. This is especially important for them both now that baby-Lowe is on the way!
Can Sean and Catherine take the challenge of the deeper work? Can they embrace the Marriage Boot Camp tools and grow? Can our couples learn to assemble boxed furniture without huffing and puffing and blowing the house down? We shall see.
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