This week’s episode of Marriage Boot Camp is about going back in order to move forward. It is far and away the Marriage Boot Camp director team’s favorite as it most accurately portrays the real, deep, difficult work that we do.
One of the keys to having a healthy relationship in the present is getting rid of the baggage that we carried in from the past. WE ALL HAVE BAGGAGE – and if anyone preaches differently it’s time for an immediate 180 in the other direction. Unfortunately, we are often so busy blaming others for our unhappiness that we fail to look in the mirror. I write about this in the Marriage Boot Camp book Defeat The Top 10 Marriage Killers and Build a Rock-Solid Relationship, in chapter 9, Wrestling With The Past, page 231.
Many of us get damaged as children and this damage results in negative traits and behaviors that show up in our current relationships. But we don’t realize it because we have unconsciously buried the part of us that is wounded. Buried alive. We push the things that we fear, loathe and despise in ourselves into the farthest reaches of our unconscious and yet we are held in bondage by our very fear and disgust. In addition, we continually allocate precious resources toward keeping parts of ourselves hidden. What a waste!
As we saw with our Marriage Boot Camp couples:
Catherine was body shamed, which limits her freedom to be open with Sean.
Sean was discouraged from following his dreams and feels shame instead of grace for his failure. This causes him to sometimes doubt himself and limit risk. He also has little experience with conflict and seems helpless when thrown into it.
Sarah was used as a pawn in her parent’s power struggle leaving her to feel like she only has value when she can be used.
Ink was betrayed at 12 years old by his first love, which broke his trust in women and morphed into a unique, controlling, distrustful worldview.
Sugar Bear was left isolated and lonely because of his father’s irrelevant battle which cut him off from the only friend he had, his cousin.
Mama June was left unsafe by an alcoholic mother, which causes her to think it’s normal to be mistreated and question whether she is worthy of love.
Benzino saw too much death in his young life. The pain and horror of this was shoved into a little hidden compartment that when triggered under stress manifests in rage.
Althea was forced to grow up too quickly which causes her to be attracted to the smallest expression of provision. She now has a protective wall up that makes it difficult to give or to receive love.
Cedric was never told the truth about his father, which makes him crave honesty and view life in a detached, philosophical manner.
Sundy was sexually molested and never told anyone. Keeping this secret has walled off parts of her heart and psyche and limits her ability to give and receive love. Sundy learned to normalize and medicate chronic pain.
Avoiding the pain of injustice or victimization does not allow you to avoid pain; it gives it a dark life that permeates everything. Escapism is a temporary Band-Aid that must continually be reapplied and often shows up in addiction. The weight of carrying around rocks shows our boot campers just how heavy the past truly is. The rocks represent a toxic, hidden deposit made on a life leaving a deep, bitter root. This bitter root manifests in a compromised ability to bond in relationship and sometimes a hair trigger temper. So what is the solution?
I write about this in the Marriage Boot Camp book on page 250.
Leftover anger can metastasize into a bitter silent cancer that makes a healthy relationship almost impossible. How do we get rid of it? We’ve read a lot of theories on how to get rid of bitterness, but our experience with thousands of couples has shown us there is only one real answer. That answer is FORGIVENESS. We’re not talking about the superficial, self-righteous forgiveness that makes you feel superior. Nor are we talking about letting someone off the hook and avoiding the issues. We’re talking about hard-core, gut-wrenching forgiveness where you enter into the pain and choose to release it all.
It is said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping that someone else dies. Stop drinking the poison. Forgiveness is hard work, but well worth the effort. Research shows that one of the keys to having a long term happy marriage is the art of forgiveness. No matter how good you are at relationships, you’ll never be perfect, and the only way to deal with those moments of imperfection, much less those moments of extreme failure, is forgiveness.
Can you throw off your shackles and be free? Are you willing to revisit the hidden wounds and do the hard work? Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Forgiveness frees you from the toxic hope that the offender will recognize the wrong and make restitution. Hope can be toxic when it is hope in the wrong thing.
Just as we challenge the boot campers, we challenge you: put your hope in the truth and the truth will set you free.
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